


Neverland

by JustAnotherMaybe



Series: The Lost Boys [1]
Category: The Society (TV 2019)
Genre: AU, F/M, High School, M/M, Pining, Senior year, Slow burn (maybe), not in new ham
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-28 06:35:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 16,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19388506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnotherMaybe/pseuds/JustAnotherMaybe
Summary: In the cafeteria, Grizz found it hard to think. In the library, however, he could think as much as he wanted.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first time writing a fanfic, first time posting, first time at everything, really! Sorry if it's not that great. The characters, except for the teacher in this chapter, are not mine and are part of The Society.

Trying not to stare at boys from across the cafeteria had always been hard for Grizz, but he knew that he had to keep appearances up. His group of friends, lovable as they were, were wild cards when it came to discussing sexuality, and he wasn't sure if that they would be the best place to start with his big coming out experience. Actually, he was certain they would be the worst people to start with - between the insults they'd hurled at each other during football practice and the way many of them treated women, he was pretty certain that the team would not be the best place for that secret. He knew there was masculinity, but, more importantly, he knew it was toxic. That's why he'd planned on moving away; the farther he got from West Ham, the closer he felt to freedom. He'd felt it before, when visiting his mother's brother in San Francisco, when visiting colleges, and, earlier than that, when he'd read stories of far off lands.

That being said, the cafeteria was full of handsome men. Specifically, he’d found himself looking more and more at the boy whose eyes reminded him of the ocean. Or was it the ocean that had reminded him of those eyes? Over the last few years, Grizz had found himself further and further infatuated with that specific shade of blue, and he could no longer tell if his heart wanted to be near the ocean, or if his heart wanted to be near that boy. He’d debated with himself for hours, trying to determine what it really was that he wanted – this lunch period was no different. As his friends joked around and jostled the table, Grizz sat in silence. Grizz often sat in silence, eating quickly so that he could get away from the noise for a bit. 

“Hey Grizz, you going to keep up training now that football is over?”  
“Hey Grizz, you get the math homework?”  
“Grizz, you think texting six girls at once is too much?”  
“Yo bro, coming to my party tomorrow?”

That noise. Grizz loved his friends, but he loved his thoughts more. In his thoughts, he could comfortably talk about men, his emotions, his hopes and dreams, or his fears and not be labelled weak. He glanced up and saw the boy with the blue eyes laughing with his friends. Really, they were his best friend and members of his family – Grizz had always wanted to know what they were talking about, what made them all so happy. He wanted to be able to laugh and smile with them, knowing the secret of their happiness – a secret he felt he would never know.

With that somber thought, he stood up. His friends shot him confused looks but were quickly appeased with his one word answer. Library. It was the truth, but it was also so much more than that – in the library, he was able to be alone with himself. He wasn’t always sure he wanted that, but he knew that he needed it. He found the closet lonely, but, when he was surrounded by books, he felt just a little bit better. 

Once he’d gotten to the library, which was a few doors down from the cafeteria, he found his favorite teacher sitting at the checkout desk. The room was otherwise empty, and he quickly found his way to the back of the stacks, looking for a story to transport himself to a happier place. A place without judgement, without secrets, and without the pressures he felt on a daily basis. 

Sitting in his favorite spot, he pulled up a social media app. He didn’t exactly know which one it was, nor was he very good at keeping his loyal fans (who happened to be his uncle and the slew of girlfriends he’d had over the years) updated. The only real good thing he found about social media was the ability to follow the lives of others. Because his friends didn’t know about his online presence, he was able to express himself more freely online. His feed was filled with shirtless men, poetry, photos of nature, and everything Grizz thought he could want in life. He quickly typed in a username he’d memorized, but never followed, and found himself smiling at the face staring back at him. Going by the username itsasign, Grizz found himself staring at the boy with the blue eyes. He couldn’t help but think to himself that, in a different life, he’d marry that man. Granted, he was only in high school, and he thought most weddings were probably very expensive, and he wasn’t sure if his feelings were mutual, but in a dream life, he’d have the chance to explore those questions more thoroughly. In this life, however, he was trapped to a book in the corner, and the back of the closet. 

Some time later, the bell rang. Grizz knew that he shouldn’t have been surprised. It’s not like the bell schedule had ever changed during his time at the school, so one would think he’d be familiar with the timetable by his final year in the building. As he got up, stretching his long legs and shaking off that feeling of numbness that comes with sitting cross-legged for just a bit too long, he felt relaxed. He’d been able to escape into a world beyond his own, just for a little bit. And after lunch, he had his favorite class – AP English. He loved the challenge of the class, but most importantly, he loved sneaking glances at the people, or person, next to him. The woman behind the desk gave him a quick nod, her face plastered with a smile more genuine than many realized, and she and Grizz walked to class.

Ms. Alaya, a young woman who’d started teaching during Grizz’s freshman year, turned to Grizz as they walked. “For the record, Gareth, you’re going to have to actually talk today. No more sitting there silent.” 

She paused for a moment. With a quick laugh, she added, “And Gareth, maybe you should try staring at more than just one part of the room today? I know you’re very focused, but maybe focus on the discussion this time.” 

Busted.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> English AP. Faust, by Goethe. And a teacher with an eye for detail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going into this second chapter, I'm beginning to realize dialogue isn't exactly my forte.

Ok, not really busted. Grizz and Ms. Alaya both knew that Grizz was fascinated with her ability to create decorations for her classroom. She always had a board up that discussed the meanings of the names in each story they’d discussed, and Grizz made sure to memorize each reference and every etymology in the books. It helped that he sat next to Sam, the boy he couldn’t stop thinking of, and that Sam sat next to the character board. Sam’s face was another thing Grizz had chosen to memorize as time went on.

As the teacher and her student walked in to the classroom, the room was alive with chatter. Sam, however, was silent. He looked excluded, and it broke Grizz’s heart. As the only gay boy in the school, as well as the only deaf student, he was incredibly isolated if his friends were not around. Ms. Alaya understood his predicament, and, upon learning that he’d be taking her class, set out to learn sign language – a necessity, because the school couldn’t provide a full-time interpreter. Grizz was pretty sure that was illegal, and Sam had protested more than once, but the school was unable to do more than apologize. Ms. Alaya, however, refused to let Sam be on his own.

Grizz took his seat next to Sam, and they both watched as she introduced their newest book. _Faust_ , by Goethe. Grizz had read it before and was fairly confident he knew the plot by now. After his seventh read, he could probably perform the play singlehandedly. Now on his thirteenth run-through of the story, he wasn’t particularly worried. Sam, on the other hand, looked more than a bit unnerved – Grizz couldn’t tell if his seat neighbor’s stress was due to personal issues, academic issues, or a dislike for the book. If it was dislike for the book, Grizz was going to have to seriously reconsider his feelings for the other student. Otherwise, Grizz was going to worry.

“Gareth, what are your thoughts on Faust? You chose this book for your English project last year, did you not?” Her voice was clear, and her hands were quick. She’d learned more sign language in one summer than Grizz had managed to learn in the four years he’d spent trying to understand the basics. Grizz could barely spell his name, yet she could discuss literature as comfortably as she could sign it.

Also - Busted. Again. He turned his head from Sam to the teacher and thought about the next words he’d say. Grizz never just ‘spoke.’ In fact, the very thought of speaking before thinking was terrifying to him, in spite of his unfortunate tendency to think out loud. After a long pause, he said, “I think Faust is a terrifying story. He is a fundamentally flawed character, and while he has managed to achieve everything in the world, that does not change the fact that loneliness forces him to become darker than Mephistopheles himself.”

She smiled at his answer. Although the class had yet to learn the name Mephistopheles, she was proud of her star student. However, she wished he’d spend less time with stars in his eyes. Regardless of the seating plan she designed, Grizz couldn’t help but look at Sam. _“Seriously,”_ she thought to herself _, “subtlety is not this boy’s strong suit._ ” The poor boy had been head-over-heels since before he’d even realized it, and she had the hilarious misfortune of watching the gangly football player discover that maybe, he was a little bit gayer than he thought. She’d never tell anyone though. She saw the way Sam, who was openly out, was treated by his classmates. His other classmates, at least. She’d never subject Grizz to that, and luckily, it seemed that the rest of the school was not nearly as attentive as she was.

“Very good, Gareth. Now, explain to us who Mephistopheles is!”

Grizz groaned internally. This was more than he’d said in the past week. He’d never seriously thought of joining a silent monastery, and he wasn’t particularly certain those actually existed, but in that moment, he wished he could be there. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam frowned. Grizz didn't like that. At all.

After school, Sam looked sad. His entire body was expressive, and Grizz could see that there was something wrong. From the other end of the hallway, the beautiful boy’s expression could only be described as sad. Grizz did not like seeing anyone frown, but this boy’s frown caused Grizz’s heart to shatter. He quickly shut his locker and began to make his way through the sea of seniors standing between him and the blue-eyed boy.  
Unfortunately, the boys got to him before he could get to the boy. Clark, giddy off the high of the start of the weekend, crashed into Grizz, screaming about the weekend. Jason, not far behind him, further pummelled into Grizz, yelling that this weekend would be the best one ever. Or something. Grizz was not particularly paying attention to them. If only they would just get lost, then he could maybe make his way to the boy of his dreams.

  
Luke, less rowdy and more due to being clumsy, bumped into Grizz as well. With that, Grizz fell to the floor – physically, no worse than being tackled on the field, but, in this moment, Grizz didn’t have words to describe how frustrating it was. By the time he’d gotten back to his feet, Sam was gone. He couldn’t shake the frown from his memory. As his friends hooped and hollered, he turned to Luke.

“Do you have Becca Gelb’s number?”

\----

 _hi becca_ , he texted.

  
_Who is this???? How did you get my number???_

  
That was not the reply he was particularly expecting. He’d gotten her number several years ago, but he’d never deleted it. Freshman year, as he came to the realization he was gay, he was convinced that the reason he was staring in Sam’s direction was because Becca was there. So, he’d set about getting her number. However, he never texted her – he blamed his own cowardice, but it was more likely that, on some level, he knew he had been looking in Becca’s direction because Sam was there.

  
_sorry its grizz. i got your number from luke. i had a question for you_ , he fired off.

  
He saw the infamous “ . . . “ appear on his screen. He’d never found those benign little dots particularly terrifying before, but, now, they hurt more than bullets.  
Becca sent a simple, one-word reply. W _hat_

  
_this is kinda random but is Sam ok? he looked sad in eng today._

  
Texting about a boy to a girl he barely knew… What had this world come to? Grizz knew that this was riskier than anything he’d done before. He could accidentally be outing himself at this very moment, swiftly letting the whole school know that he was in love with Sam Eliot. Wait, love wasn’t the right word. But he was definitely in like. If that was even a thing.

  
_He was. Why do you care?_

  
Grizz couldn’t help but groan. That answer was useless, it was aggressive, and worse, it was exactly what he deserved. Grizz had never even spoken to Sam, let alone given him any reason to think that he mattered. He was texting Sam’s best friend, but he’d never been able to muster the courage to text Sam himself. But for now, he had to put his emotions on the side. Sam was hurting, somehow. Grizz didn’t know what to do, but he felt like he had to do something.

  
Grizz tried to respond. Because I dream of his smile. Because hes the nicest man ive ever met. Because he matters. Because I hate to see him sad. None of the things he wrote seemed to fit the reality of his emotions, yet they all seemed to betray that Grizz had emotions that ran far deeper than they should for a boy he’d barely talked to. In that moment, Grizz worried Sam would think Grizz had never acknowledged him. He immediately wracked his brain, thinking of every smile he’d given the red-haired boy. It wasn’t high enough. It would never be high enough.

  
_Because Alaya asked me to check on him_

  
Grizz thought, before adding _and I missed his smile._

  
That last line was dangerous. It expressed a level of appreciation for Sam that Grizz had never openly acknowledged about anyone – not the women he’d slept with in trying to convince himself that he couldn’t be gay, not the guys on his team, not even the people he called his friends. Luke, who had become almost a brother to him, was potentially the only person who Grizz would say something similar about – but Luke was the brother, and Sam was the boy. And right now, Grizz could not stop thinking about the boy.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Grizz feel lonely, and Luke realizes he's losing his best friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one talks a bit more about the isolation that both boys might have been feeling. This also introduces Luke as a more developed character. Helena isn't as explored in the show, so this goes away from the canon, but I figured this would be a good role for her.

Grizz had sent Sam a text seven hours ago, exactly. Grizz knew this, because, for the first time in his life, he checked his phone regularly to see if he’d gotten a response. Grizz knew that, on some level, his plan to disappear from West Ham and the lives of his friends here would hurt everyone involved. To help make it easier, he’d slowly started peeling away from things – he was never overly involved in extracurriculars outside of sports, and he was already bad at remembering to text people, so, as he slowly pulled away, no one really took notice.

Luke had noticed, but Luke noticed everything when it came to Grizz. They were best of friends, and, before Clark and Jason had joined the bunch, they were both as nerdy as they were athletic. They’d spend their summers running from pee-wee football to the town’s library, debating the best football team in the area just as ferociously as they debated what the best Hogwarts house was. Luke knew Grizz’s every secret – almost. So when Grizz started to pull away, more than usual for Grizz, he knew something was going on.

When Grizz looked at his phone, he saw a text. Not from the number he’d wanted, but from Luke. _talk to me._

Grizz stared at those three words. Those eight letters brought tears to Grizz’s eyes – he found himself crying more, now. He wasn’t used to his emotions being able to get away from him, but he couldn’t control his frustration anymore. Apparently, he couldn’t control his sadness, either. He wanted to text back and tell Luke everything – that he felt alone, that he was tired of being in the closet, that he wanted people to see him for who he really was, and that he wanted to be able to kiss Sam. He didn’t dare risk wanting something more, not now.

_weird day. sorry for not staying longer at lunch_.

That was a lie. Grizz had no regrets about leaving that lunch table. He never did, and he looked forward to it at the start of every lunch period. Life was exhausting when he couldn’t be himself, and he knew that, in the library, it didn’t matter who he loved. It just mattered if there was a book in his hands – and when there wasn’t, that problem was very easily addressed.

\---

On the other end of the texts, Luke frowned. Luke, on some level, understood that Grizz felt alone. He knew that he would never compare to Grizz’s sheer intelligence – had he not chosen to prioritize football, or his relationship with the team, he may have been able to compete with the taller boy. In truth, the only people who were able to make Grizz truly work were all sitting across the lunchroom; Allie, Sam, Becca, and Helena were academically unstoppable.

Luke loved Helena, truly. She breathed life into him, and she made him feel like he wasn’t a failure. She didn’t judge him for choosing football over academics and didn’t fault him for pursuing his passion. She kept him kind, and she kept him sane. He went out of his way to shower her with affection, and he knew that, one day, he’d marry her. He strived to make her always feel loved. Looking at his phone again, he knew something was going on with his best friend. So, he did what he always did. He went to text his girlfriend. Only, she beat him to the punch.

_Why are you friends with Clark?!_

Luke sat there, confused. He didn’t know what Clark had done, but he could guess he’d done something to Sam. Clark had never said more than two words to Sam, as far as he knew. However, he knew Helena well enough to hear the fury in her text. She was not as open about how close she was with Sam as Becca was, and few knew that she’d learned ASL to make him feel more welcome. As far as Luke knew, Sam didn’t even know. She was fiercely loyal to her friends, with the same fire that she was in love with Luke. He shuddered – if Clark had done something to Sam, then there would be hell to pay.

\---

Clark was dumb. Sam knew this, and Sam had always appreciated that he rarely had classes with the walking stereotype. He was loud, he was rude, he was homophobic, and he was cluelessly unaware of how much power his words held – how could he know the power of popularity, when he’d never been unpopular himself? Clark’s stupidity didn’t make his victim feel any more at ease, though. In reality, he wasn’t even a victim – a victim implies a crime had taken place.

He had been sitting at lunch with the girls. He loved sitting with them, because he could sign to them without fear. He could be himself, and no one would bat an eye. He didn’t have that freedom with most people. He forgot what they’d been talking about, but it had turned to discussing the upcoming winter dance. The girls had all found dates; Helena was paired with Luke, just as she should have been. Allie was going to go with Will – it was a combination that didn’t make sense in his mind, especially knowing that Allie was secretly thinking about Harry every time she kissed Will. Becca was going with a boy from a different school, that she’d met at a college visit day. Sam felt bad for not knowing what college it was at, and worse for not knowing his name.

“So, Sam, who’re you bringing?”

The girls often spoke and signed at the same time, although he wasn’t sure why. He was about to make a joke, when Clark walked by. He stared at the group, and practically yelled the worst thing possible. “No one, duh!”

Sam felt his face turn a red that made his hair look pale in comparison, and the girls all screamed at Clark to get lost. Completely oblivious, he walked off – he had as many limbs as he did brain cells, so it wasn’t a surprise he didn’t understand how something like that could hurt. Sam couldn’t wait to escape the hellhole that was the town, and he’d never felt the pain of his isolation more in that moment.

Sam had thought that coming out would be the most freeing experience of his life. He’d always been aware that he was gay – it wasn’t something that he ever really hid, either. Up until recently, though, there had only been rumors that he was gay. He realized he was tired of living in other people’s uncertainty, and so he’d told someone. Within three days, the entire school knew – it earned him many stares, lots of side comments, and more anguish than the rumors had. The worst stare of all, though, was the stare Grizz would give him. Sam could never tell what Grizz’s intention was. He was friends with Helena, but he was also friends with Clark and Jason. He was a genius, whose ability to understand poetry was breathtaking, but he was also a football player. He was a paradox, defying every single stereotype of a nerd, while simultaneously proving every single stereotype of a jock wrong as well. The ambiguity of his existence was made torturous by the intensity of his stare – Sam would never dream of meeting his eyes, but he could dream of talking to the man. He’d never actually talked to Grizz, just a simple wave and the occasional smile. To him, Grizz was amazing. The fact that Grizz didn’t just take notice of him. Grizz studied and appreciated him – at least, that’s what he’d told himself.

Sam got out of the shower, feeling more isolated in the freedom of his truth than he’d ever felt hiding in the closet. Ultimately, Clark was right – there would be no one for him to dance with, no one for him to hold close, and no one to take away the pain of his loneliness. Becca and the girls had all tried, making him feel as important as they could, but that would never address the pain he felt. Physical wounds heal, but loneliness was cutting deep into his mind.

He towelled off, realizing he’d started crying as soon as he saw his reflection. Tears continued to blur his sight, but he could tell his phone had lit up. It was a text, from a number he didn’t recognize.

_i hope youre ok_

It wasn’t one of his girls, and he didn’t know who else would know how awful his afternoon had been.

_oh wait you probably dont have my number_

_its grizz_


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story of the first time Grizz came out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is completely out of line with the story, but I think that this sort of fits the universe I'm working with? It's also a bit out of order chronologically, but I think that this chapter, which focuses on Helena and Luke, adds to the story.

Helena had come over to Luke’s place right after sending him that text. She had fire in her eyes, and Luke knew all the best questions to ask. He opened the door, and she said the same thing she’d texted him – this time, though, he couldn’t ignore the venom with which she said Clark’s name. She was a force to be reckoned with, and he quickly said a prayer that they wouldn’t find Clark dead in the morning – it wouldn’t be a question of who did it. Not that she would go that far… at least, probably.

Luke had come to understand that most people misunderstood their relationship. Many thought of Luke as the boisterous football star and Helena as the meek, yet friendly, nerd. They could not be farther from the truth. If Helena was a storm, then Luke was the quiet that accompanied her chaos. They came together perfectly, because they fit together imperfectly.

He invited her in, and, once they had both taken their respective seats on his bed, stared at her. He was ready to listen. Helena couldn’t help but pause – he was always ready to listen.

“Clark is legitimate trash, and I cannot believe you spend time around him willingly.”

Luke took in a deep breath, realizing that this conversation would happen again. “Helena, I do not spend time around him willingly. If he weren’t on the team, then I would never talk to him.”

He’d said that many times – ultimately, he knew it was true, but he’d said it so many times it felt like a practiced line in a play. He enjoyed Jason’s company, at least sometimes, but Clark was a raging ball of stupid with the strength of bull. He was a raging bull of stupid.

“The team ended with the last game. Don’t you dare pretend you have any obligation to that.”

He winced as she said _that_. He had defined himself for so long as an athlete, and he knew that, while he didn’t enjoy the company of the team’s rowdier members, he would be lost without them. He’d only ever defined himself as a member of the team, and in love with Helena – he knew that, eventually, he would have to pick one. He wished, for a moment, that he could be anywhere else.

Helena could read the pain on his face. She could be vicious without realizing it, and she realized the depth of what she’d said the minute it left her lips. They’d had this conversation a thousand times before, never with as much fire as this time, and she knew that, as much as she wanted Luke to pick, he never could. She couldn’t ask that, either. As much as she hated his friends, she knew that loving Luke meant meeting him in the middle, especially because he would move heaven and earth to make her smile.

“That wasn’t fair, I’m sorry.”

Luke nodded.

She got up to go, recognizing the hurt in his silence. Luke stopped her, though. He knew that he would never let her walk away without making sure she knew how much he loved her. “Tell me what Clark did.”

\---

Helena had gotten a text from Grizz right after Becca had responded to him. Becca had also texted the group chat – the girls’, not the one with Sam, to let them know that Grizz was asking about Sam. They were all as equally as protective of him, and the very mention of Sam in overheard casual conversation was quickly shared to the chat. They had to be ready, in case someone tried to hurt him.

Helena, however, had kept a secret from the group. She could barely handle it, but this secret was important. She thought back to that night fairly regularly, knowing she could never share that secret.

The day Sam had come out was the first day of school. The timing could have been better, admittedly. Regardless, Harry had thrown a massive party that night, with everyone invited. The football team could barely walk, she remembered. By 10 p.m., the entire team had blacked out. In a way, she couldn’t help but laugh – the boys known for their skill on the football field couldn’t help but helplessly stumble everywhere.

She had been sitting with the girls and Sam, when she got a text from Luke.

_wi ned t fund Grass boyfron_

_!!!!!!_

_!!!!!_

_!!!!!_

_nwed toe b Sa_

She had no clue what he was saying. Or rather, she knew exactly what he was saying. She just couldn’t believe it. She walked in to the kitchen and found Luke and Grizz sitting there alone. Luke had just slumped over the table they were at, and Grizz just stared upwards. He looked at her when she entered the room.

“I did it.”

“Shit.”

“I said it.”

“I didn’t want to say it.”

Grizz started sobbing, and Helena realized what had just happened. Grizz had tried to come out to Luke. Luke had texted her, too drunk to think, saying that Grizz and Sam should be together. She quickly grabbed Luke’s phone, and she deleted the texts from it. She wasn’t sure if she should have done that or not, but it felt like the right thing to do in the moment. She turned her attention to Grizz and started to console him.

“No, you didn’t say anything.”

“But I did,” bellowed the drunken athlete.

“No, you didn’t. You said it in your head.”

“In my head?”

Grizz, with his big brown eyes, stared up at her, believing her.

She knew that neither of them would remember that night, so she told Grizz he’d imagined it all. She texted the girls that she had to leave suddenly, blaming it on Luke.

By the time she’d gotten both boys to her house, as her parents were out of town, Luke had started to snore. She was stronger than she looked, and she practically carried Luke into the living room. She got him settled on the couch, and saw that Grizz, as drunk as he was, had followed her into the room and gotten himself comfortable on the couch. She never had to take care of Grizz – even drunk, he was attentive, and he knew to follow instructions.

He looked up at her, and said, “You’re an angel. Marry him, one day, will you? He needs you.”

Helena smiled – she knew that he was right. Luke was helpless on his own.

He opened his mouth again. “Sam is so pretty.”

The next morning, Helena entered the kitchen and found Grizz making pancakes. She didn’t know they’d had the ingredients for them, but that didn’t matter. The boys were laughing – Luke only ever laughed like that with Grizz or herself. The secret was safe. She felt guilty, knowing she was not supposed to know what she did. She also knew that, as much as she wanted to tell Sam, that she could never. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time, Sam realizes Grizz was watching more than his hands. Maybe.

Sam responded, after exactly eight hours, seven minutes, and thirty-three seconds. Grizz wanted to pretend he didn’t know how many seconds it had been, but he also couldn’t help himself. Unfortunately for him, he couldn’t escape into his homework like he had done so many times before. He’d memorized _Faust_ , he’d finished his calculus homework a week in advance, and he’d read three chapters ahead in his AP Bio book the last time he’d been so caught up in his feelings for Sam. So yesterday.

The text was short, but it was a response. That’s all Grizz could focus on as it flashed across his screen. _Its ok._

Grizz couldn’t help but wonder if that was a lie. He’d seen Sam’s face, he knew something was wrong.

_You sure? You looked like someone had bullied your cat_

Grizz had no clue what that meant. He didn’t really know what he was doing – he was amazing at analyzing his own emotions, thanks to countless hours of therapy. He didn’t really like to think of therapy, and he didn’t like acknowledging he’d gone as long as he had been. He had stopped in eighth grade, when the therapist had said something terrifyingly homophobic as an offhand comment. He wasn’t sure if he was gay then, but he knew that Sam was.

Granted, Sam hadn’t fully known then – and he definitely hadn’t come out. But Grizz knew that he was gay, and Grizz knew, even then, that he would not hesitate to support Sam. He thought about the conversation he had with his mother, telling her he wouldn’t go back. She didn’t really pay attention – she never really paid attention. She did her best, but sometimes her best wasn’t enough. But now wasn’t the time to think about that.

_Bullied my cat??? I don’t have a cat???_

Grizz chuckled. It was a deep sound, one that vibrated throughout the room. His mom had once said that, whenever she was home, she knew when Grizz laughed because she could feel it. Grizz wondered if Sam could feel it, or if he cared.

_ok forget the cat_

_you looked sad. thats the important bit_

\---

Sam couldn’t believe his eyes. He hadn’t told anyone that Grizz had texted him – a first. The girls would be furious if they found out he was keeping this a secret, but he couldn’t handle the insanity of fielding their questions while also paying attention to Grizz. Gareth Visser, the man whose brown eyes seemingly never lifted from his hands. Sam had seen Grizz stare at him thousands of times, intently fixated on the signs he was making.

At least, he thought it was his hands. He’d always hoped that Grizz was looking at his lips, and that he would reach over and kiss them. Or something. People stared at his hands a lot, and they stared at his ears more – it was a shock to them that he had ears, but he could not hear. That was the first thing Clark had ever said to him, actually. He thought back to that moment, laughing

_“But you have ears!”_

_Jason turned to the well-dressed Neanderthal, saying, “Fuck is he a ghost?”_

_“No, he said he’s death.”_

_“Wait, is he gonna kill us? I’m too pretty to die!”_

For the recond, Sam thought that if Death picked people based on how good they looked, neither Clark nor Jason would have much luck. And that memory wasn’t actually important. Grizz was texting him, and Grizz noticed he had been sad. Why had Grizz noticed he had been sad? And why was Grizz worried someone had bullied his cat? He didn’t have a cat. He had a bully, but he didn’t have a cat.

_I guess I was sad. It happens sometimes. It’s not big deal._

The truth was, Sam had felt sad more often than not recently. It was hard not to feel blue – he was about to experience his first dance as an out gay man… and he would dance with himself. The thought of that was painful, much like the pain of watching nearly every woman in the school throw themselves at Grizz.

Sam knew Grizz had slept with women. In fact, everyone knew. It wasn’t a secret. However, no one knew who the women were. There were three or four, but they were secrets. He’d once heard that Grizz would never share their names, because he worried people would respect them less. They both knew the atmosphere of their school, and they both knew that the women would be treated differently. There were three tables at lunch dedicated to the women Clark and Jason had slept with, only to be thrown aside and put on blast in front of the school. But Grizz wouldn’t do that. He refused. He stayed different, and it confused everyone.

_do you want to talk about it?_

_you didn’t smile in class today. it couldnt have been nothing._

Sam couldn’t help but be confused. Grizz had noticed that he hadn’t smiled? Did that mean that he was looking at his mouth, after all? And, most importantly, why did he care?

_Not really._

That was a lie. He wanted to talk to Grizz about it, to yell at Grizz for being friends with Clark, for having a perfectly dopey smile, and to demand answers to questions he didn’t know he could ask.

_do you want to meet at the park and not talk about it then?_

\---

This was wild. Grizz had never felt so bold before. Yet, as he sat on the swing, waiting for the other boy to arrive. The truth was, he’d gone to the small park in town before he’d offered to meet Sam there. He needed Sam to be there, but he knew that he wasn’t allowed to need that. So, he hoped Sam would be there, instead.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hug in the snow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So planning a meeting in the park during winter probably wasn't my best decision.

Sam was not sure what he was walking into. He had texted the girls that he was going to the park to get some air. They’d asked if he wanted company, and he said no. He decided that explaining _this_ could probably wait until the morning. And, if he didn’t show up to school the next day, they would know he’d been murdered at the park.

Grizz was sitting there on the swings, looking ridiculous. As a giant, lean football player twelve years too big for that swing, he was a sight to behold. Sam didn’t mind – he liked the idea of staring at Grizz. He’d certainly done it before.

“Hey.”

Sam was grateful for the lamps. The park was well-lit at night, though it was a bit chilly outside for his tastes. Both boys were well-bundled, and Sam wondered why Grizz would want to meet him outside, in the park, while it snowed, in winter. There was very clearly a lapse in judgement here, but Sam wanted to know what the big man had to say.

“Wait… shit,” said Grizz. He quickly signed the word for ‘hello.’

Grizz knew that Sam could read lips. It wasn’t exactly a secret that he survived his classes by focusing on his teachers’ mouths. Grizz still couldn’t believe the school didn’t have a full-time interpreter. There was no way that was legal under the ADA. But that was anger for a different night – now, he wanted to focus on the angel who’d walked through the snow to meet him.

Sam couldn’t help but laugh. The awkward salute was endearing, but it was unnecessary. In spite of not liking his own voice, he said, “Hey. Bit cold for the park, right?”

Grizz’s eyes went wide. He hadn’t thought of that. Sam was right, as always. Also, he was underdressed for the weather – Grizz suddenly got very worried that the smaller boy would get too cold. He could see the quake in Sam’s hands, the shivers running down his spine. He got up and took off his jacket, draping it around the other boy in a fluid motion. “You looked cold.”

“You didn’t have to,” said Sam. Sam was cold, but he could handle it. What he couldn’t handle, however, was watching this giant move to help him. The jacket smelled of vanilla and of pine, and it was warmer than any hug he’d ever been wrapped in.

“Yes, I did.”

Grizz spoke quickly, clearly unaware of how hard lip-reading could be. “I learned how to sign my name the other day.”

Sam stared, only catching ‘name’ and ‘day.’ “Slower.”

Grizz looked worried, and said, “What?”

Sam sighed, and repeated the line he’d said every day, for as long as he could remember. “I can read lips, but not if the lips move too fast.”

Grizz nodded. He should have thought of that. He started again, this time speaking as slowly and clearly as possible. “I learned how to sign my name.”

Grizz did not know how to sign his name, as Sam quickly found out. Much like Sam’s autocorrect, Grizz’s hands changed his name to Grass. Sam recognized some of the letters, because he had once been to a conference when he was 11. People from all over the world had come to talk about the reality of using sign language, and Sam had learned a bit of fingerspelling in various languages. In his sign language, the only letter Grizz had made was an ‘x.’ 

“That’s BSL. I use ASL.”

Grizz groaned, realizing the only book on ASL in the West Ham library was not even for the right language. Of course. Grizz knew that different countries had their own sign languages, because he had scoured the internet to find anything and everything he possibly could on the language. He’d once been told that “If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.” He agreed with Nelson Mandela. For that reason, he set about trying to learn as much as possible so that he could try and steal a piece of Sam’s heart.

“Why are you learning ASL? Are you planning on going Deaf?”

“No… I just. I wanted to talk to you.”

“I can read lips, you know.”

Sam thought for a moment – if Grizz had wanted to talk to him, then why had he never actually tried to hold a conversation with him? The one time they’d spoken, two years ago, at a winter formal, Grizz had signed the word ‘bullshit’ and neither had really known what to say. They laughed, but the interaction was awkward. Sam hadn’t talked to him since.

“I know,” said Grizz, a little nervously. “But I wanted to talk to you in your language.”

Sam didn’t know how to process that. The best he could muster was a simple, “Oh.”

Grizz looked at the other boy, realizing he may have said too much. That didn’t matter in this moment, though. “You said you were sad, but that you didn’t want to talk about it. But you were sad.”

He had said it so matter-of-factly, but he could hear the twinge of sadness in his voice. Sam, however, didn’t hear that. He just saw the tremble of Grizz’s lip as he said the word ‘sad’ and the worry that hid itself in his brown eyes. He didn’t know what to do with the worry, but he knew it was there.

Before he knew what was happening, everything came pouring out. Grizz sat and listened as Sam told him about what Clark had said, and about how he’d felt lonely with the dance coming up. He listened as Sam told him about how he was jealous that his friends would have the chance to share a moment with someone, but that he would never. He said he hated how he felt only his friends would be there to listen to him, and that he wished he could talk to others as comfortably as he talked to Becca. He mentioned feeling simultaneously suffocated and abandoned by his friends, now that the dance was coming around – they worried about him constantly, but he couldn’t fault them for going to the dance and having their happy moments. He finished, crying, saying that he would die a good Christian virgin. That was too much information, and he knew that he’d said something he shouldn’t have, but he was too embarrassed about the tears freezing to his face to care.

He didn’t dare look at Grizz’s face. He didn’t know how the jock would react, or if he’d tell anyone what he just heard. He didn’t think that Grizz would tell anyone, because that didn’t seem like the type of thing Grizz would do. Coming to the park at the middle of the night, during a snowstorm, without his friends, to talk to the jock was not something he would have ever done though, so clearly expectations weren’t always reality.

After a long pause, he looked up. Grizz hadn’t opened his mouth – he didn’t want to say anything if Sam couldn’t read his lips, and he saw that Sam was looking directly at the floor. Ultimately, he didn’t say anything. He walked over to Sam, and he wrapped him in a tight hug. The snow continued to fall, and it was clear that this was neither the time, nor the place, yet, at the same time, there was no better setting for the warmest hug Sam had ever felt.

It wasn’t a romantic hug. It felt more like an older brother, protecting him from everything in the world. Sam didn’t want to think about older brothers, especially his, but he couldn’t help imagining how amazing Grizz would have been as a brother. That would have made every thought he’d had about the taller boy very, very unacceptable.

They stood there, in comfortable silence, and Sam felt safe. Finally, when Grizz ended the hug, he turned to Sam. “If Clark ever does something like that again, you let me know.”

“Clark’s your friend. I’m not going to tattle on him, just because he’s mean.”

A flash of an emotion neither of them could quite recognize flashed over Grizz’s features. “If he treats you that way, he’s not my friend.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is very grateful for Grizz's jacket, but between how cold Grizz's walk back must have been, and the girls' squeals, he realized it might have been a bad idea to hold on to the comfortable coat.

Sam didn’t know how to respond to that. After going home, he dreamt of Grizz telling him he’d be safe. That’s basically what Grizz had told him, anyway. That, if anyone tried to hurt him, he would come and save him. At least, that’s how Sam interpreted it.

Sam couldn’t begin to face the amount of emotional turmoil he felt. The man of his dreams had watched him have a breakdown, and he sat there and listened. No. He heard Sam. For the first time in a very, very long time, Sam felt heard. Someone had seen his frown, and someone had made him feel like his emotions were valid. Sam couldn’t believe that night had actually happened. The next day, he was glad that there was no school – the weekend saved him from having to face Grizz in class and from having to sort through his feelings.

His mother walked in to his room – she had a habit of not knocking, because she knew it wouldn’t help. She’d walked in far too many times, at far too many awkward moments. The last time had been when Sam confirmed, after copious amounts of searching, that Grizz was not a bear, unlike his name suggested.

This time, however, he was clothed. Luckily.

“Mom!”

Her fingers, moving just as fast as his, responded quickly. “Campbell won’t be back for Christmas break.”

Sam tried to hide his happiness. He signed back a quick ‘ok.’ He didn’t want to deal with the guilt his parents felt regarding his brother, he didn’t want to think about his brother, and he didn’t want to pretend he cared about his family’s Christmas celebrations. They still had three weeks to discuss that. Now, he wanted to talk to someone about Grizz.

\---

Becca and Helena sat on Helena’s floor, waiting for Sam to sit as well. He was too agitated to sit, opting instead to pace nervously. After telling them everything, he realized just how crazy he was for the football player. The girls watched, a bit nervous. Everyone knew Grizz was straight, because it was how the universe was. That was never a secret, unlike the names of the women he’d been with.

Helena respected that. Helena, through a web of secrets and a lot of asking, knew the names of all four girls. She’d have never shared who they were – Grizz would have been livid if he knew that she knew. She also knew that he had only had sex with the first two. The other two girls, he had talked with for hours. They had expected a quick hook-up at the hands of a football player, only to be given a confidant. They had talked with him about everything, from their problems to their hopes. Helena was glad that Grizz was in their school – he fought every stereotype of being a football player, just by existing.

Becca was the first to speak. “You’re wearing his jacket.”

Sam looked down and realized that the town’s star athlete had never asked for his jacket back. He’d given it to the shivering boy to make him feel warm, and he let him keep it, even as he had to walk home in the cold.

Helena pursed her lips. For a fraction of a second, Becca and Sam both thought they saw her struggle with something, as if she had a secret. They both quickly wiped that thought away though. It wasn’t that she wouldn’t keep secrets – it was that she wouldn’t keep secrets from them.

Becca found the silence useless. She decided that Sam needed to get answers. She didn’t know that Helena could have answered both of their questions, and she didn’t know if Sam wanted answers. But she knew that he needed answers. “How do you feel?”

“I kinda want to see what happens if Clark tries anything.”

All three of them laughed. Grizz was widely known as a gentle giant, but the thought of him dropping Clark was too funny to pass up. Helena and Sam both suspected that it could actually happen, but they chose to pretend it was still fantasy for a bit.

Helena decided that the jacket was an opportunity. “You should ask him if he wants his jacket back.”

\---

The truth was, Sam didn’t want to give the jacket back. It smelled of the happiest moment he’d had since coming out, and it hugged him with the same warmth that Grizz had hugged him. He knew that Grizz was straight, but he couldn’t help feeling enchanted by the conversation that night. For the first time ever, he felt woo’d. He didn’t think anyone would ever try and make him feel special, truthfully.

Or rather, he never thought anyone would make him feel special in the way he’d seen in movies. He’d had plenty of people make him feel ‘special’ because of his deafness. He’d sat on enough sidelines and been picked last on enough group projects that he had come to know that society wasn’t ready to accept him. The world went out of its way to make people like Grizz feel unstoppable, but it did everything it could to stop Sam. He knew that was the way the world worked.

Grizz, however, didn’t seem to get the memo. Sam couldn’t understand why he’d promised to protect him – from his own friends, no less. Grizz had decided to challenge the status quo, with a ferocity that had almost scared him. The gentle giant had promised to stop being so gentle, just to ensure Sam’s safety. That was a new feeling, and it was something that he didn’t know how to process. He hoped he wouldn’t be on the receiving end of that anger for keeping the jacket.

_Hey Grizz_

_Hey Sam!_

The reply was instant, and he’d decided to add the capitalization into his texts. Sam took note of that but didn’t know what to make of it.

_I have your jacket still. I’m sorry, the walk back must have been cold_

_It was worth it :)_

Well what was that supposed to mean?

\---

Grizz regretted not having his jacket the minute he left Sam at the boy’s doorstep. The temperature had dropped drastically while he’d been at the park, and he realized that subzero was a lot less enjoyable without his letterman. Actually, that was an understatement. He was shaking violently by the time he got home, but he couldn’t help but smile at the thought of the shorter boy wearing it. If it was anything like he’d imagined, Sam had fallen asleep holding the jacket close to him.

Although he had no way of knowing, that’s exactly what had happened.

By the time he’d gotten home, he could barely see from shaking so badly. There were no lights on in his house, unsurprisingly. His mother had probably gone off on a business trip, leaving him alone, again. It was moments like this that he missed his dad. There was no way to know that he’d get into that car crash, but Grizz had always wished he could have told his dad he loved him more. At seven, he didn’t understand the concept of death as well as he did now. He’d known his dad was gone forever, but he didn’t understand just how long forever lasts.

He grimaced as the heat hit him. He shut the door behind him, realizing he’d left the heating on high before he left. Whatever – his mother would complain about the bill for the house she barely lived in, and he would not feel the slightest ounce of guilt. He was allowed to be petty, sometimes. She was never home, because she was always working. She was a big-shot lawyer, travelling the country to defend clients and do… something. Grizz didn’t actually understand what she worked with, only that she was busy. She’d missed every game, in spite of pushing him to play every year, and she’d only been at three of his past ten birthdays. She cared, but she wasn’t fit to be a parent. That’s why his dad had been a stay-at-home dad. Grizz wondered if she’d be back in time for Christmas.

Shaking the thought from his head, he walked up to the shower and enjoyed the feeling of the heat flowing over him. He curled into bed and felt the exhaustion that came with experiencing so much emotion wash over him.

He woke up to the sound of a text from Sam. He was glad it was Saturday, because that meant he’d be able to sleep in. He was too tired to censor himself and added a smiley face to his next message. As he rubbed his eyes, he realized that he’d flirted with Sam. Almost explicitly, no less. He’d never done that before – never actively flirted with someone. He quickly felt embarrassed, and when no reply came through, he groaned.

“Wrong move, Visser,” he mumbled to himself.

\----

The girls screamed at the smiley face. By this time, the entire gang had gathered around. Kelly, Bean, Allie, Becca, and Helena were giddy with excitement at the simple smiley face that said much more than just a smile.

Sam still didn’t know how to feel about it. Although he couldn’t hear the screams, the level of excitement in the room made it hard to concentrate. He still hadn’t replied to Grizz’s message, and he worried it made him seem disinterested. If this was flirting, then the last thing he wanted to be was aloof. If this was an attempt at friendship, then the last thing he wanted to do was to push the other boy away.

For the first time in a long time, his hands fumbled as he asked, “What do I say?”

Helena was the quickest to reply. She only spoke when she was doing it for the benefit of the others, as Bean and Kelly weren’t as proficient in sign language as the other two – this time, she only signed. “Ask him if he wants ASL lessons.”

She knew that these two had a chance at something, unlike the rest of the girls in the room. She’d watched both of them, both of her friends, long for happiness and long for acceptance in a way the girls could never offer. She wanted them to be able to smile the way she smiled when Luke walked into the room, or the way Luke smiled whenever she sent him a funny picture. She felt like she was scheming, but she felt like she was doing the right thing.

The comment made sense. After telling them all that Grizz had learned a bit of BLS, they all laughed. Sam worried they were laughing at him. The last thing he would be ok with was his friends laughing at what may have been the sweetest gesture anyone had ever made from him, even if it was quite literally the incorrect gestures.

_Do you want me to teach you how to sign?_

\---

Grizz was sitting at the town’s most popular diner with Luke when the text came through. Grizz had thoroughly grilled Luke about what Clark had said to Sam. Although he hadn’t heard it himself, Helena had, and Luke told Grizz everything he knew. Luke shared everything with Grizz, and Grizz always felt guilty whenever Luke asked him if he liked anyone. He knew he could trust Luke, but he didn’t know if he could trust himself to get the words out.

Grizz’s face lit up brighter than his phone when the text came through. Luke watched him read the message with the same joy he’d watch Grizz open his Christmas presents every year. He was the only person who knew the toll that Grizz’s family situation, or lack thereof, had on him, and he made sure that he was always invited to family Christmas. His mother had knit Grizz a stocking, and, after the third family Christmas in a row, the entire extended family knew more about Grizz than his mother had ever known.

Mrs. Holbrook had once offered to adopt Grizz. He couldn’t put in to words how badly he wanted to say yes. He called them his Christmas Family, and enjoyed every minute that he could pretend he was Gareth Holbrook – those moments were always happier than when he was Gareth Visser.

“What is it?”

Grizz looked up, unsure what to say. He desperately wanted to tell Luke. Again. He knew that he’d tried at the party, but he didn’t know if he’d been successful. He thought he hadn’t.

“It’s nothing.”

Luke snorted. “Bullshit, that’s your Christmas face. Who is it?”

Before he could protest, Luke had grabbed his phone. He saw that the number hadn’t been saved and read the words “ASL” before Grizz could steal the phone. He knew that Grizz had Allie’s number saved, as well as Helena’s and Bean’s. That left Becca and Sam as the only likely suspects.

“It’s Becca, isn’t it?”

Grizz thought and decided that now wasn’t the time to pop his perfect, straight bubble. But he couldn’t lie, either. “I’m not telling!”

Luke took the ridiculous grin on his face to mean “yes” and dropped it. He knew that Grizz kept his secrets, and he felt honored to know them all. Almost.

Grizz shook his head, thinking of what to respond.

_Yeah, that would be great!_

The response from the blue-eyed boy came quickly.

_It’s a date then!_

Grizz didn’t know how to respond to that. He wanted to respond with the most positive thing he could think of. Before he could say anything, though, another set of messages came through.

_Only if you want._

_Wait forget I said anything_

_How does tomorrow afternoon work?_


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first ASL lesson, complete with more crying, more caring, and more love.

Grizz would never admit it to anyone else, but he was excited for his date with Sam. He hadn’t really reacted to the comment, but he didn’t react to Sam’s attempt at back-pedaling, either. He wanted it to be a date. He wanted the entire evening to be one massive, beautiful first date. Instead, it was the two of them, sitting on Grizz’s floor, while Sam taught him how to fingerspell. He appreciated the speed and dexterity that his teacher possessed and wished he could keep up. By the end of two hours, Sam felt confident that Grizz could spell anything – if he took his time.

Sam had never thought that he’d be actively teaching someone sign language. He found it nice, especially because he was able to use it as an excuse to stare at Grizz. The giant wasn’t very good at getting his fingers to form all of the shapes, but he was dedicated to trying. Sam was amazed – Grizz was the ideal student. Attentive, friendly, unafraid to make mistakes, and completely adorable. Wait, no that was Sam’s ideal boyfriend. Sam wasn’t sure if he was the ideal student or not, but he was everything Sam wanted in a man.

After two hours, Sam watched as Grizz flopped onto the bed. He’d taken out his signature man-bun, and his hair hid his face. He lifted his head, and Sam thought he saw lips moving, before they stopped suddenly. Grizz turned his head and pushed his hair from his face.

“That was amazing. Brutal, but amazing.”

Sam laughed. They’d ended on the word supercalifragilisticexpialidocious – Grizz fought his way through the word, making his hands do shapes they needed to be in with such care and effort. Sam found out that Grizz was left-handed because he could only get his left hand to cooperate. Sam wanted to join him on the bed, because he wanted to read Grizz’s lips better. It was hard to read lips normally, but at a 90-degree angle, it was worse. He’d also be lying if he said he didn’t want to kiss Grizz.

Grizz watched Sam, who stood there in silent laughter. Then, it hit him. He remembered Sam complaining that lip reading was taxing, as he cried in the cold. He jolted right up, enough to make Sam jump. He wanted to speak quickly, but he stopped himself – he was speaking for Sam.

“Sorry, you probably couldn’t really read that. I said that was amazing. Brutal, but amazing.”

Sam didn’t know what to say for a second – he knew he’d complained to Grizz about that, but he didn’t realize just how intently he’d listened. Taking a look around, he thought he saw three lamps that still had tags on them. Did Grizz go out and buy lights because Sam had complained how hard it was for him to understand anything in the dark? Sam felt a wave of emotion, and he wasn’t sure how to respond. He’d never had anyone actively try and accommodate him, all while trying to hide the effort they’d put into accommodation. His friends had learned sign language, but that was as open as Sam’s sexuality – there was silent acceptance in these lamps or the way Grizz constantly readjusted his posture to make his lips more visible. It looked like Grizz had even moved some of the furniture to make the space more open, for Sam to read his hands. Grizz had actively made this space as comfortable as possible for Sam, and he had tried to hide it, too.

He started to tear up. He hated that he cried as much as he did, but he couldn’t help himself. He’d never had someone treat him like he was beautiful – he’d never had someone openly try to arrange a part of their life around him. He didn’t know how Grizz would react to his crying, but he couldn’t stop.

His heart skipped a beat when he felt himself wrapped in a hug. It was an understanding hug, that didn’t ask questions. There were so many questions hanging in the air – Sam could feel the confusion around him, but this hug held nothing but care. Sam wished that this moment would last forever, but Grizz let go after a minute. Sam wished he could still feel those strong arms, wrapping themselves against him.

\---

Grizz was worried he’d done something wrong. Sam had just suddenly started crying, and he didn’t know why. He didn’t want to cross a line, but he wanted to make the boy feel welcome. He wrapped Sam in his arms, and he held him there for what felt like an eternity. After about seven minutes, Sam’s tears had stopped, and Grizz let go.

Grizz didn’t want to let go. He wanted to hold him, to tell him he was important, to ask what had made him cry, and to make sure Sam never felt hurt again. He wanted Sam to feel safe, to feel loved, and to feel important. He hoped Sam could understand that.

After pulling apart, Sam stared at Grizz. It was not an aggressive stare, or an accusatory stare, or an angry stare. Grizz felt relieved. He’d been terrified that he’d said something wrong, or that he’d done something wrong, or that Sam developed a sudden hatred for him. He was a football player, after all. He knew what his clique did in school. He did not take part, but that did not mean he was not complicit in their horribleness. The fact that Clark had bullied Sam once made his blood boil, but to know that it happened regularly set him ablaze. He understood that Clark would be a nobody without football, and that, without his stupid varsity jacket, he would probably be picked on himself. He knew that, if Sam stared at him with anger, he deserved it.

“The lamps. Thank you.”

Grizz looked around. He had forgotten to take the price tags off of three of the lamps – he’d bought ten, just in case. Not all of them were in his room, but he made sure that there would be enough light for Sam. If his mother wanted to never be home, then Grizz was going to spend her money to make it feel less lonely. Right now, spending money to make it more welcoming to Sam made it feel more like home than he’d ever felt before.

Sam continued staring at Grizz. “I know I don’t talk well. I’m sorry.”

Grizz’s mouth dropped open, and his hands formed one of the few signs Sam had taught him – _no._ “Not at all! I think your voice is amazing.”

No one had called Sam’s voice amazing before. Not his parents, not his friends, and certainly not himself. This ridiculously smart dumb jock just didn’t do any of the things he’d been conditioned to expect. He went above and beyond, without knowing it.

“Seriously,” said Grizz. “I could listen to you all day, and it would never get old.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ASL is going well, and the dance is coming up!

Grizz hadn’t talked to Clark in over two weeks. He hadn’t sat with the rest of the former football team, either. By the end of the first week, Luke had joined him. Neither of them ate in the cafeteria, so Sam didn’t know where they went. He’d occasionally get a text or two, but Grizz was bad at phones. They met regularly after school, sometimes at Grizz’s house, but sometimes at the diner. Grizz had slowly become a regularly presence in Sam’s life.

He replaced Clark’s bullying. The entire school was buzzing with gossip about it – Grizz had confronted Clark immediately after his first ASL lesson. Clark had been talking about TP’ing Sam’s house, or something. Grizz had asked him why he was such a dick, and why he kept bullying Sam. Rumor had it, Clark said it was easy and fun. Clark showed up to school with a black eye that Monday.

The next weekend, Clark had apparently complained to Luke about how Grizz was acting “like a little girl.” He showed up to school with two black eyes and a missing tooth. Luke had apparently only given him the black eye though – no one knew what happened to the tooth. Sam was willing to bed that Helena had something to do with it, though.

Right after the second black eye, Clark had walked past their table. Helena, with her usual casualness, complimented him on his new look. “You look absolutely stunning. Blacks and blues are so in this season.”

\---

Grizz and Sam sat a table in the library. Between a few books Sam had loaned him, his daily lessons, and the hours he spent learning on his own, he was beginning to be able to have small conversations with Sam. He’s set a timer, and they wanted to see just how long they could sign before Grizz had to give up. It was clumsy, it wasn’t always correct, and it was an effort, but Grizz had learned enough to clear 10 minutes. Sam was proud, watching Grizz make progress. He’d never met anyone more dedicated, and he didn’t know what to make of Grizz’s determination, if he was being honest. He didn’t actually believe that all this effort was just to be able to communicate with him.

He felt happy, though. Even if this was all just a ploy, it was the most important he had felt in a long time. The more time he spent around Grizz, the more he realized that the boy was as eclectic as he was smart. He was an expert at gardening, and he knew the town greenhouse as well as he knew himself. He learned that Grizz was as liberal as he was handsome, and that he was able to speak multiple languages. He had volunteered on a nearby Native American reservation for two summers, helping run sports camps for the younger children.

Sam learned that Grizz would read anything you gave him. From a masterpiece, to a piece of fanfiction, Grizz would read it all. He could read Latin, Hebrew, and Greek as well as he could read English. He could draw masterpieces in an afternoon – at least, to Sam they were masterpieces. He’d once asked Grizz to draw him, but Grizz said he would have to wait.

Sam loved the time he spent with Grizz, and he realized he was falling painfully in love with Grizz. After their time at the library, they went back to the diner. Sam decided to ask Grizz about the dance. He hadn’t gotten the courage to ask Grizz to the dance, but Grizz didn’t seem that excited, anyway. He didn’t want to ask too much, but he had to know. “So, did anyone ask you to the dance?”

Grizz stopped for a second. “Yeah, Lexie keeps asking me.”

Sam’s face fell. It was clear that he did not want to hear that news. Grizz’s eyebrows furrowed at the sight of Sam’s frown. “Oh. Cool. Um… I should go.”

Grizz began to look visibly worried as Sam picked up his bag. With that, he was gone. Grizz was alone in the diner, and only he heard himself say, “But I said no.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grizz and Sam both are suffering from an awful case of heartbreak.

Sam was in a bad mood for the rest of the week. He knew that, reasonably, he could not be mad at Grizz for choosing to go to the dance with a girl. That was unfair to him, and he recognized it as an unhealthy decision for them both. However, he couldn’t get over the image of Grizz kissing Lexie at the dance. It hadn’t even happened yet, but he couldn’t stop picturing it.

He didn’t talk to Grizz for the rest of the week. He saw Grizz waiting for him in the library, every day. He continued to walk by, and he felt a pit in his stomach every time the man-bun turned to look for him.

_Are you coming? Where are you?_

_Did I do something? I’m sorry_

_Please, text me._

_Sam? Please_

A text for every day.

\---

Grizz didn’t want to text more than once a day, but he couldn’t get over how painful being ignored felt. He didn’t understand what had happened, but he wanted to understand how he could fix it. He couldn’t go on taking classes next to Sam without feeling an immense guilt that he didn’t understand. He had told Lexie that he didn’t want to go to the dance with her. When she asked if there was someone else, he didn’t know what to say. He just walked away.

That just led to more rumors, though. The entire school believed that he was secretly in love with… someone. Most bets were that he would show up to the dance with someone from a different school. Sam hated hearing those bets more than he hated hearing about Lexie. He hated being reminded of how he’d overreacted, and he hated himself for making Grizz feel far away. He didn’t stop though.

Grizz noticed that he had stopped smiling in class. Three weeks ago, he’d asked what had happened to take away his smile. Now, Grizz couldn’t help but hate himself for thinking he’d taken Sam’s smile.

\---

They had talked about spending time together on Christmas. Sam looked at his phone, right after he opened his presents.

_Merry Christmas._

_Talk to me… please?_

_I miss you._

\---

The dance was two days before Christmas. Everyone was in the mood to celebrate the holidays. Almost everyone, anyway. Sam and Grizz were both miserable.

Sam continued to get ready with the girls, but he didn’t want to really be there. As they talked about their dates, and their dresses, and their happy lives, Sam felt more isolated than ever. By the time they got to the dance, Becca and Helena had noticed his heart was missing from the festivities. Luke had noticed, too – Sam realized that Grizz and Luke were both quiet, observant, and attentive. He wondered if it was Helena or Grizz that had given Luke pointers on making Sam feel comfortable communicating. Sam hoped it was Grizz.

“Hey, Earth to Sam!”

Becca stood before him, looking angry. Her signing was agitated, and he could tell she was over his moping. “What?”

“Quit being such a downer! It’s a dance, go dance or something.”

“I don’t want to dance.”

“Then why did you come?”

Sam started to answer, but he realized he didn’t know. He supposed he’d hoped to see Grizz here. Not that he would be able to go talk to him, not after how he’d treated him recently. But he hoped to see Grizz’s toothy grin.

“He’s not here,” she signed, reading his mind. “You shouldn’t have been such a dick to him, if you wanted him here. You can’t push someone away and be mad when they leave, asshole.”

Ouch. Sam knew she was right, because she was always right. “I’m leaving you here. I’m going to dance and have fun, and I’m not going to sit here watching you be miserable.”

She walked off, her beautiful dress billowing as she walked. There went another friend, angry and hurt. Sam was getting good at this whole ruining friendships, he thought to himself. Then, he noticed Luke looking at him.

“Why isn’t Grizz here?”

Sam was confused at the question. Why should he know where Grizz went? “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.”

Luke stared at him, looking equal parts angry and disappointed. Sam didn’t know how to respond. He did know why Grizz wasn’t there. He didn’t want to acknowledge it, but he was the reason Grizz hadn’t come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a lot of ideas for where I could take this, but I don't know how much longer I want to make it.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Becca knows that Sam is sad. Little does she know, Grizz is just as brokenhearted.

Becca had been the first person to come to him. Grizz thought that her petite frame would burst, she was that angry. She had made Grizz leave school with her after the last final of the semester. Grizz knew that he was in trouble, but he didn’t understand why. All he knew is that he wanted to hide – he had already faced enough of his own sadness, he didn’t want to deal with someone else’s anger, on top of it.

Once they got to the park, Becca screamed, “How dare you?”

“What?”

“How dare you lead him on like that? How dare you treat him like he’s some toy? He had actual feelings for you, you know that? I know you jocks are full of yourselves, but you’re supposed to be different, Gareth Visser. Who the hell do you think you are?”

Grizz just stared. He didn’t open his mouth. He didn’t do anything. Becca was expecting a response, not silence. “Well? Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

The reality was, Grizz didn’t. He didn’t have any words, he couldn’t say anything to make it better. He’d survived this week by focusing on his studies – he did well on his finals, but he didn’t really care. Anything was better than dealing with his emotions. He tried to think of the best way to keep himself from crying.

As she continued to yell, he moved for his phone, while undoing his man-bun. He pulled up the chat with Sam and handed it to Becca. His face was hidden by his hair, and she couldn’t see him struggle to keep back tears. He didn’t watch her read it, but after a minute, he felt her hand the phone back.

“Oh.”

“I think I’m sad, Becca. I think I’m confused,” he said, lifting his head so that she could see him cry. “I wish I knew who everyone thinks I was, because apparently he’s an asshole.”

In that instant, Becca understood. Sam had been moping after his fight with Grizz, but, standing there, she realized there had never been a fight. There had never been anything, other than Grizz wanting to be around Sam.

“I waited for him every day, in between every final and after every class.”

She couldn’t think of anything to say – watching the lovable giant break into tears broke her heart. Sometimes, she didn’t know if she had one. After spending years defending Sam from others, she was pretty sure she’d grown immune to other people’s emotions. All that mattered were her own, and others didn’t matter. But here, watching the man who’d single-handedly stopped Sam’s bully, who’d stopped acknowledging almost all of his former teammates because they joined in when Clark started, and who’d waited for her friend every day, she couldn’t help but feel sad.

“I’m so sorry.”

She shouldn’t have come. She shouldn’t have put him through this. She couldn’t believe that he didn’t even try and defend himself. She was worried that he’d completely convinced himself that it was his fault that he’d lost Sam. She walked over and gave him a hug. It was short, but it was heartfelt. Afterwards, she went home to get ready for the dance.

She just had to make a quick stop before.

\---

Sam didn’t know that Becca had gone to talk to Grizz for him. He knew that she hated seeing him mope, because he would only ever mope when he had been bullied. She didn’t know that, this time, Sam felt like he’d been the bully.

When she barged into his room, he was thoroughly surprised.

“You asshole.”

Sam looked at her, completely confused. “What?”

“I just got done talking to Grizz.”

He looked at her, shocked. “You what? What did he say?”

The anger in her eyes scared him. She had only looked like that when staring at Clark, or Jason. This time, she was staring right at him. “He didn’t really say anything. He was busy crying.”

 _Shit_. Sam knew that he had been harsh, but he didn’t think Grizz would cry over him. Grizz was popular, and he had Lexie. Or someone else. He would be easy to replace, only he would be replaced with someone Grizz actually liked. Sam didn’t like the thought of Grizz crying over him – he’d never once seen Grizz anything but smile, except for the time he promised Sam he’d keep him safe.

“He showed me the texts.”

Sam looked at his phone, and the texts he hadn’t opened yet. He didn’t trust himself to see what Grizz had said, so he’d muted the chat and refused to open the messages.

“He waited for you after school, every day. He said he hoped you did well on your finals, and that he’s sorry for being an asshole, and that he wanted you to know that he waited after school every day to apologize,” she said. “Only he wasn’t the one being an asshole, was he?”

Sam didn’t want to answer that. He knew Grizz had waited for him, but he didn’t feel like he could face him then. He thought Grizz would be mad. He knew that he should have known better.

“No, he wasn’t. He isn’t. He probably never will be.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grizz and Jason have a heart-to-heart.

Grizz wasn’t used to feeling heartbreak. He knew that, really, he wasn’t allowed to feel so heartbroken over the fight he’d had with Sam. It felt final, and it was proving to be the kind of fight that friends didn’t come back from, but he didn’t understand what the fight was over. Grizz hadn’t even said yes to Lexie, because he didn’t want to go to the dance. He’d spent enough dances pretending he was straight, and he wasn’t in the mood to pretend any more.

He also didn’t understand why Becca had come to him. She had been so mad, and he still didn’t understand what he’d done wrong. He genuinely wanted to understand, because he wanted to fix it. Instead of giving him answers, though, she just made him feel even worse about something he didn’t know he’d done. He’d spent hours trying to figure out what it was already. Couldn’t someone give him mercy and tell him what he’d done already?

He just didn’t buy tickets. It wasn’t a big deal. It broke him to know that Sam would be at the dance, having fun and being with friends, and that he wouldn’t be invited to dance along. It broke him to think of Sam, sitting down through the slow dance, just like he’d complained about that first night. It broke him to know that Sam was going to find someone, and that someone wouldn’t be him.

There was a knock at the door, and Luke walked in. During the break, Grizz had moved in to the spare bedroom at Luke’s house like did every year, about a week before the dance happened – Christmas at his house was far too lonely. Without Sam to talk to, it felt twice as awful.

“What’s wrong?”

Luke knew Grizz too well to ignore that Grizz’s smile didn’t reach his eyes. He was normally such a carefree, happy person, but he couldn’t bring himself to be in the Christmas spirit this year. Luke missed seeing his friend happy.

“Luke… I have something I need to tell you.”

Luke saw the glimmer of tears in his friend’s eyes. He didn’t know what he was about to hear, but he knew that he would be there for Grizz, without question. 

“Luke… I’m gay.”

Luke was worried it would be something far more serious – Grizz being gay was not anywhere near the top of the list of things he was worried Grizz would tell him. He felt a bit hurt, because Grizz had probably known for years. That’s what people did, right? It wasn’t one of those sudden things – he probably knew long before this moment.

“You could have told me sooner,” he said, wrapping his crying friend in a big hug. “I was worried it was cancer, you idiot.”

\---

“So, Sam Eliot?”

Grizz nodded, a sad look in his eye.

“Something tells me you two aren’t going to the dance together?”

“No, he asked if I was going and I told him Lexie had asked me. He stormed out before I could tell him that I told her know, and he won’t text me back.”

“Well that’s a dick move.”

“I just want to know what I did wrong, you know? Like, I just want to know how to fix this.”

Luke didn’t miss the twinge of hopelessness in his friend’s voice. After finding out that Grizz had tried to tell him once before, he realized that he was the first person that Grizz had actually told. Helena probably already knew somehow, but he was the first person Grizz had told. He felt honored, but he could feel good about himself later. At the moment, his best friend was heartbroken in his kitchen, two days before Christmas.

“Maybe…” Luke started, “Maybe you did nothing wrong.”

“He hasn’t talked to me all week, hasn’t so much as looked at me in either of our classes. I did something.”

Luke stared at his friend, sad to see his friend so hurt. “Grizz, you’re the nicest person I’ve ever met. You spend hours thinking of others. You learned sign language just to talk to one guy, because you wanted him to feel comfortable around you. You did everything right,” he said, getting up. “I have to go to the dance. Helena is probably already waiting for me. But, seriously, man, you did nothing wrong. This isn’t fair.”

With that, he left Grizz to think. He knew that Grizz would spend his night thinking. He hoped he came to the realization that he couldn’t have fixed this, because he didn’t break it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam knows what he's done. Grizz does, too.

“Why isn’t Grizz here?”

Sam was confused at the question. Why should he know where Grizz went? “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.”

Luke stared at him, looking equal parts angry and disappointed. Sam didn’t know how to respond. He did know why Grizz wasn’t there. He didn’t want to acknowledge it, but he was the reason Grizz hadn’t come.

Luke spoke with the same caution that Grizz often did, knowing that Sam would only understand him if he could see his lips. He wanted to make sure that Sam saw every word, because he wanted to make sure that Sam knew.

“He thinks it’s his fault.”

It couldn’t be Grizz’s fault. Becca knew that, Luke knew that, and, on some level, Sam knew that as well. He didn’t want to acknowledge the truth – he had pushed Grizz away, because he didn’t want to have his heart broken by a straight boy. Sam had never really had guy friends, before. It was too awkward, and he didn’t like not knowing how guys would react to him being gay. It was just easier to be friends with the girls, because there was no ambiguity. Grizz had treated him like an equal, looking past the obvious to see the real Sam. Sam was terrified at how comfortable he’d felt around Grizz.

He didn’t want to fall in love with Grizz – he’d been perfectly content staring at him from across the room, wishing Grizz would talk to him. Wishes were easier than reality. His heart skipped a beat every time he got a text from Grizz, and he hated how much he loved to watch the taller man smile. The smile he gave Sam made him melt. Sam didn’t have time to melt – he needed to keep his heart closed off, cold; otherwise, he was vulnerable to falling in love with someone who could never love him back. But Grizz, Grizz could make Sam feel like every day was summer, like warmth was a given. Sam didn’t trust warmth, though – summer came and went, turning into fall, then winter. He couldn’t stand winter, and he hated the cold. That’s one of the reasons he was surprised he’d met Grizz at the park – it was cold. The cold always returned, after a few short months of bliss. He couldn’t bear the thought of Grizz leaving, and the cold coming back.

And yet, he’d forced himself back into winter. He’d pushed Grizz away, and he’d flung himself into the frozen tundra of his own sadness. He knew that, as much as he wanted to hate Grizz for not rescuing him, he couldn’t blame him. He couldn’t read the texts, because he couldn’t face how much hurt he’d caused – he couldn’t ignore the fact that Grizz’s face would fall every time he walked into English class, because Sam didn’t acknowledge him. Sam couldn’t acknowledge him. That would mean he’d have to acknowledge how badly he’d messed up. Sam wasn’t ready for that kind of responsibility.

“It’s not his fault.”

Those words hurt to say. Sam didn’t know what to make of Luke’s expression – it was knowing, and he thought it should be angry. Instead, he was staring at a steady calm. He wanted Luke to be mad. It would have made him feel better.

“I know that. That doesn’t mean he does.”

\---

Grizz stared at his computer, thinking about everything that had happened the past few months. He couldn’t believe that he’d sacrificed his friendships on the team all for one boy. No, that wasn’t right – he had sacrificed his friendships on the team to come to terms with who he was. He didn’t want to pretend that he was some straight jock anymore. He was athletic, he was smart, and he was gay. Those three identities seemed to clash, but, for some reason, they came together to form Grizz.

He was also, at least a bit, in love with Sam. At least, he thought it was love. The truth was, Grizz didn’t know what emotion he felt for the other boy. It was something strong, but he didn’t know if it was love. It wasn’t the anger, and it wasn’t the hatred that he felt that he deserved to feel. He understood that it wasn’t his fault. He owed that to Luke. Luke was always pushing him to be the best version of himself, and he couldn’t believe that he was as lucky as he was to have Luke in his life.

He looked at the forms he’d filled out, one more time. It was a money transfer, for a sum larger than he’d ever spent before. Silently, Grizz had often helped the Holbrooks with their finances. They never knew where the help came from, but Mrs. Holbrook had a hunch. Grizz’s mother let him spend however much he wanted, as a payment for letting her be the horrible mother she was. She would probably complain that he’d crossed a line with this, but she had crossed a line when she missed her husband’s funeral. She knew she would never be able to make that mistake right.

In his hands, he held over three hundred thousand dollars. It was enough to pay for Luke to go to college wherever he wanted – he’d settled on Penn State, if he got in. Helena had received her acceptance letter from UPenn, and he planned on joining her in Philadelphia. His mom worried about the loans she’d have to take to make it happen. Grizz knew that she wouldn’t be able to add yet another payment, but she would to make her kids happy. She was already paying off her youngest son’s broken harm, the three trips they’d made to the hospital for the second and third youngest children for food poisoning, her and her husband’s student loans and mortgage, and her husband’s M.B.A. Grizz couldn’t make it all go away, but he could help – he had arranged for the medical costs and the mortgage to be paid off, and now he had the key to Luke’s college career in his hands.

He knew Luke would get in. His acceptance letter would say that he’d been awarded a full-ride scholarship, arranged for by an anonymous donor. Luke would have no clue it was him, but he and Helena would both graduate debt-free. She’d secured her own full-ride, applying for scholarships and awards with the same passion she brought to everything she did. Grizz knew that she was amazing.

He wondered where Sam would go to college. Would he join Becca and Allie at NYU? Or would he find somewhere more local? He shook Sam out of his head. He didn’t have time to think about someone who’d treated him like trash – used him and thrown him away. He really wanted to, but he didn’t. Instead, he opened the other tab on his computer.

He stared at it, thinking over everything that he’d felt over the past few years. The isolation, the sadness, the feeling of belonging, the feeling of not belonging, the feeling of betrayal, and, most importantly, the feeling of freedom when he told Luke the truth. He had ended on a high note.

He hit ‘accept’.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam goes to apologize, but he realizes it may be too late.

By the time Sam finally went to talk to Grizz, it was already too late. It took him four days after the dance – it was the day before school was going to start again. Sam had heard from Helena that Grizz often spent Christmas with Luke’s family. It made him realize how little he’d learned about Grizz – why was he not spending it with his own family?

When he got to Luke’s house, he was shaking. The cold was brutal, but he would have been shaking anyway – he had never been this nervous. He rang the doorbell, and Luke let him in.

“Upstairs, to the right.”

Sam thanked him and started to walk inside. Luke stopped him though. “Sam, you fucked up.”

Sam knew that. He didn’t need to be reminded of that. He resented the reminder, but he nodded anyway. He went upstairs and found Grizz, packing. He didn’t have a shirt on, and the sight was almost too much for Sam. Those muscles. The muscles that he had felt every time Grizz had given him a hug. He’d never actually seen them. They were breathtaking.

Grizz looked up, and he saw Sam just staring. He signed a quick ‘hey’ and went back to packing. He didn’t want to deal with Sam right now. It wasn’t the usual warmth Sam was used to – he knew he deserved it, but he still couldn’t help but shudder. He had to own up to his mistakes.

“I’m sorry.”

Grizz didn’t look at him. Instead, he signed ‘why’ and went back to packing.

“You didn’t deserve how I treated you. You were always so nice. And I treated you like shit,” Sam started. He was going to continue, going over the words he’d practiced.

“I’m gay, Sam. The day you stormed out, I was going to tell you. I was going to ask you to the dance. I know you didn’t want to spend another dance alone. I didn’t want you to, either.”

That was not part of Sam’s plan. He didn’t expect Grizz to say anything that radical. It did not fit into his speech, and it didn’t fit into Sam’s understanding of what he was doing. Sam knew he had messed up, but he didn’t realize how royally he’d fucked up. He could barely muster the courage to speak. “What?”

Grizz couldn’t ignore the surprise in his voice. He thought he’d made it as clear as possible, without saying it directly. “I am gay. I liked you. I wanted to dance with you and smile with you and make sure your night was magical. Couldn’t do that if you wouldn’t talk to me.”

There was no anger in his eyes. Sam didn’t see much emotion in his eyes at all, actually. He expected more… something. He spoke with the same calm that Luke had spoken with. It was eerie, and it made him wish that he’d never ignored Grizz. This version of Grizz, the version that didn’t smile, was too much to bear.

“I’m sorry.”

“You said that already.”

He didn’t say it combatively. It was so matter-of-fact, yet it was so crushing. Sam wasn’t used to this. Sam had seen Grizz fill a room with warmth – he’d expected coldness. Instead, there was nothing – and that was more chilling.

“Where are you going?”

Sam thought the question was fair. There were three suitcases, each full. It looked like a long trip – he couldn’t imagine Grizz had brought all of that for one week with Luke’s family. This looked more serious. It looked like the kind of thing you packed when you were leaving.

“Somewhere else.”

Sam looked at him, confused. That confusion turned into sadness, which turned into fear. Grizz was supposed to spend the next semester at school. He couldn’t bear to think that Grizz was supposed to spend his last semester of high school with him, but the thought crept into his brain. Grizz wasn’t supposed to leave.

“Where? And why? What about next semester?”

Grizz realized that was another thing he’d kept a secret from everyone but Luke. He forgot he kept everything a secret. “I graduated. A semester early.”

Sam’s face fell. It made Grizz sad, to see the boy with the beautiful smile with such a horrible frown mar his features.

The truth was, Grizz had applied to graduate early at the start of the year. He’d completed all of his requirements, and the school didn’t have the ability to offer him options for more classes to take. This past semester, the school had pretended to create harder, higher level classes for him – they were just the AP classes he’d already finished. He had to write twice as much for every essay, finish exams that were twice as long, often with less time than his peers. He didn’t want to continue that, so he graduated early.

He’d decided he would take classes at a local community college, until he could start classes at Harvard in the fall. That had been his plan, at least. He found out about a school in Korea, where he’d be able to take classes and prepare for college in a different way – he had been offered a spot in the program, and he’d accepted it the night of the dance. It was time for him to stop living in a fantasy world.

He wanted to kiss Sam, in that moment. He wanted to tell Sam that it wasn’t his fault that he was leaving. He couldn’t lie to Sam, though. Sam had given him the courage to accept the offer – coming to accept that it wasn’t his fault pushed him to accept that he didn’t want to wait to start living his life as an out, gay man. He was ready to live his life on his terms. He owed himself that.

“You’re leaving me.”

“I’m leaving everyone.”

Sam’s voice cracked, and he started to cry – not sobbing, loud tears. The quiet ones, the tears that show how truly awful something hurts. “You’re leaving me.”

He suddenly understood what Luke meant, when he said he’d fucked up. Luke was right.

“I am tired of games. You can’t ignore me and then expect me to wait for you. I need to live my life, and I can’t do that here. I’ve spent so many years feeling lost, and sad, and broken. I’m tired of waiting for Peter Pan to whisk me away and make everything ok. I’m done waiting. I’m going to find Neverland on my own.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may be done with this part of the story, but there will be more. Grizz needs to go off and find his Neverland - he can't do that in West Ham. That doesn't mean he's done with the town, it just means he needs time to learn who he is. 
> 
> Keep an eye out for a second part to the series!


End file.
